Reader, beware...

For anyone who actually still checks my blog, you may be sorry you do after you read this one. The only reason I'm really writing it is because I need to get some stuff out on 'paper' and writing with a pen not only takes too long, but would probably give my hand a cramp. If you want to quit reading now, feel free to do so. If not, you were warned:)

I am lamenting the lack of routine in my life. That said, I am going to whine about it. A lot. I am really, really frustrated with it right now. I can't stick to a workout schedule. I can't adjust to any sleep schedule before it changes again. This morning, I missed church for this reason. I couldn't fall asleep until three hours before I was supposed to be up and ready, and when I was supposed to get up, I was completely nauseated and could barely keep my eyes open. When I do go to church, I have a hard time paying attention and staying alert. I am embarrassed when people make comments about the service to me after because oftentimes I have zoned out and haven't heard half of it. Because my sleep schedule is not consistent, I wake up frequently when I am supposed to be sleeping, be it day or night. I feel drowsy at work and am always afraid I am going to screw up someone's lab work because I am tired.

My spiritual life pretty much sucks. Prior to starting this job, I had been struggling with being in the Word regularly and spending time with God like I used to. I want to be close to God again and I know that the only way to be close to Him is to spend time with Him. The way I got there before was to have consistent daily time with Him at the same time every day. I have tried to do this again. However, every time I start to get on a roll where I am reading my Bible for a few days in a row and praying regularly, my schedule changes and I can't do it at the same time anymore. I end up missing a day or two in the schedule adjustment. If I let myself feel guilty about it, and usually I do, a day or two becomes three or four, sometimes more...I end up where I am now: not wanting to even try because I know where I'll end up tomorrow when I have to start working again.

On top of this, I am jealous...horrible, I know...JEALOUS of my husband because it seems like he has more opportunity for spiritual growth and encouragement than I do right now He has applied to go to seminary this fall and is waiting to hear back on whether or not he was accepted. I would love to be able to do this right now but at this point it probably wouldn't be a wise choice schedule-wise or finance-wise for us. He has also been able to participate in a lot of things at church that take place at night that I haven't been able to because I work at night. Now there is a retreat coming up Labor Day weekend in Mississippi that our small group is going on. We both really wanted to be able to go. Joe is able to switch his work schedule around so he can attend. I, however, cannot as it is my summer holiday and I have to work it. There is no getting out of it for me.

I realize I am being stupid and petty and that there will be other opportunities for me in the future besides these. I realize that sitting here and complaining about all this will not help or change anything. However, it is late, I haven't slept much, and I am in a sinful frame of mind. That's the real me, sadly enough. Now that I have that out of my system, I suppose I will stop writing before I embarrass myself any further.