5:22

Today I really feel like writing, so that's fair warning to any of you who are short on time or just don't really care to read my ramblings:)

A quick update on life before I delve into deeper things...

Joe and I have both decided to apply to take some classes at the seminary this fall. I am really excited not only for the classes I will be taking but to be able to connect with people who are interested in pursuing the same type of things that I am. I think I am going to try to complete an MA in Biblical Counseling if all goes as planned, i.e. no accidents happen. Joe is thinking of getting an MA in some type of adult ministry thing also. It will be neat if we can take some of our classes together and discuss what we are learning and what our thought processes and such are as we go through everything. It will be neat to see how we grow spiritually as we pursue this together.

We also found out that my brother Josh will be moving down here to attend school this fall, so that is really exciting. He will be moving in with us this summer, so we are hoping to be in a bigger apartment in our complex very soon. It will be really nice to have some family in the area and Joe is really excited to have a automatic guy pal to hang out with when I'm working. Hopefully Pita and Josh will be able to work out the differences they've had in the past and live in peace together...Josh isn't holding his breath on that one though.

I found out this weekend that someone was hired to fill the shift that I am currently working in the lab, which means I will be moving to my new day-shift position very soon! The lady that was hired is actually the person who's position I took. She had moved down to Florida to be by her daughter and now is looking to move back. She will not require much training, meaning I will get to move to days much faster than I would if they had to train someone new to our lab. I am really looking forward to being on a normal schedule! Right now I pretty much don't see or speak to anyone three days out of the week because I am working when everyone else is available for me to do that with and sleeping when everyone else is working. It will also be nice to be able to spend more time with Joe and to be more flexible as far as hanging out with people at night.

There are a couple of things I will miss about working nights, one being the solitude that sometimes comes with the shift. I have had a lot of time to think, ponder, pray, even cry out to God on third shift. Because I don't work with anyone else in the lab and things tend to slow down in the ER after midnight, there are usually one or two nights a week when I can count on having 2-4 hours of time with no human contact. Some people would hate this, but I thrive on it. I am definitely an introvert by nature. Anyway, this morning was one of those mornings where I was by myself for a very extended period of time. Recently I've been using some of it to write out my prayers and thoughts to God and to read my Bible. I haven't been real consistent in it...or in time with God at all for the last couple of years really.

For a long time I had loved to spend time with God every day. I looked forward to it. God was showing me new things every day in His word, I was having wonderful prayer and worship times with Him, I was listening for and hearing His voice in regard to my life, decisions I made, even regarding the speed limit when I was driving. Anyway, a bunch of not fun stuff happened and I ended up feeling tired, hurt, angry, and bitter. I struggled for a while with legalism. Then I struggled with the church and Christians in general. Then I struggled with whether Christianity was even worth it. There were a lot of 3 a.m.s spent in agony wondering if I was even saved. Why couldn't I connect with God in the way I used to? Why did I feel so far from Him? God had to remove some influences from my life that I had allowed to have a larger voice than His and I started to see more clearly what had happened. He used sermons and Sunday school lessons, He used podcasts and emails, He used His Word, and He spoke to me.

I'm not going to get into everything I've realized prior to today...this isn't supposed to be my memoirs or anything and you didn't expect a book when you started reading. Anyway, today I figured out one of the last pieces of the puzzle. Selfishness. I don't think I realized until this morning how much I expect everything and everyone to revolve around me. It made me sick to my stomach. Has anyone else experienced this? Even the times I've thought I was being selfless, my motives haven't been. To make a long story short, I had to repent. After I did, I experienced joy like I haven't felt in two years. It physically felt like a burden had been lifted off of me. The wall has been broken down. I know selfishness is always going to be a struggle...I think it is for everyone, as everyone just tends to look out for themselves, but I was reminded today that Jesus died and rose for that and that I don't have to be a slave to that any longer. Praise God, He has set us free from sin! I am dead to sin and alive in Christ!

Now that I have freaked all of you out at 8 a.m., I will go. Just be glad you aren't Joe, he got to hear a much more detailed and animated version of this at 6:30. I love having joy at 5:22 in the morning!